- A Two-Dimensional Framework for Parenting Styles
The discussion of parenting styles can be enhanced by providing a two-dimensional framework adapted from the work of Slater (1962). Where a parent falls on the permissive-restrictive dimension in concert with where they fall on the warm-cold dimension may result in different types of behavior from their children. In a crude approximation to Slater's work, the following two-dimensional description is offered.
| Permissiveness |
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x indifferent |
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democratic x |
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x neglectful |
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permissive x |
| |
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nonconformist x |
| Cold |
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|
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| Warm |
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x demanding |
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indulgent x |
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x authoritarian |
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protective x |
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x abusive |
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authoritative x |
| Restrictive |
A description of the four parenting styles defined in the text can come out of Slater's more comprehensive approach. Examples of the type of behaviors parents engage in should be numerous, and an emphasis on the behaviors of the children they parent might help bring the points home.
Disciplinary approaches are tied fairly closely to parenting styles, and could be presented at the same time. Parents using inductive techniques to discipline attempt to reason with their children and most often adopt an authoritative parenting style. This disciplinary style fosters compliance, encourages the development of empathy, and enhances self-control. Parents who use a power-assertive disciplinary style make use of physical rewards and punishment. They are most apt to adopt an authoritative parenting style, and their children are likely to behave when the contingencies are right but may not know how to behave when the reinforcements and punishments are not clear. Parents who use loss of love as a disciplinary style isolate or ignore their children when they misbehave. They are more likely to adopt a permissive-indifferent parenting style. The two styles together produce children who are anxious and uncertain.
- Stages of Growth for a Stepparent and the Hansel and Gretel Syndrome
Miller has proposed that the development from outsider to parent is a gradual process that varies with each child; Miller proposes that it takes as many years to become the parent as is the child's history with the initial, biological parent. Thus, a 5-year-old will develop a mature, parenting relationship with a stepparent by the age of 10. Miller proposes a three-stage growth for stepparents. Healthy relationships move from Guest (Courteous) to Friend (Sharing) to Parent (Intimacy). Unfortunately, the stepparenting stages can be negative and move from Intruder (Resentment) to Competitor (Hostilities) to Enemy (Hate).
In the first stage, being warm, friendly, and interested helps a new stepparent to be perceived as Guest and be treated courteously. However, negative personality characteristics, breaking "established'' family rules, or making rules and disciplining increase the chances of being perceived as an Intruder and being resented.
With time, the stepparent's status moves ahead into either a Friend or a Competitor. A friend is liked and trusted and is someone with whom to share. A "friend'' stepparent is listened to with respect but the children may still reserve some affection, keep some possessions private, and not want the stepparent in a lawmaking role. In the third stage of parent or enemy, the parent perceives the stepparent as a policy maker, comforter, disciplinarian, and emotional supporter.
Some stepparent relationships, however, are quite dysfunctional (The Hansel and Gretel Syndrome). Forty-three percent of all fatal abuse cases occur in the homes of stepparents. A child living with a stepparent is almost 100 times more likely to be murdered than a child living with two biological parents. Of 508 solved Detroit homicides in 1972, only 6 percent were committed by blood relatives, but 19 percent were committed by people related by marriage (e.g., spouses, stepparents, or in-laws). (Sources: Miller, D. M. 1984. A model for stepfamily development. Family Relations, 33, 365-372; Pringle, H. 1989 (December). The Hansel and Gretel syndrome. Omni, 38, 127.)
- Adolescent Identity Crisis versus Parental Midlife Crisis
The text does a good job of describing the difficult balance of achieving independence in the turbulent period of adolescence when attachment to parents and relationships with peers are important. One important consideration in the success of surviving adolescence is the developmental stage the parents are in when their children hit their teenage years.
The typical teenager's parent is between the ages of 35 and 45. While their children are dealing with issues of identity and independence, parents are dealing with the very first stages of a mid-life transition. The parents may be struggling with career problems, marital problems, the beginning of some health problems, and emotional turmoil associated with reaching the halfway point to the end of their lives. How the parents cope with their concerns may contribute to the success or failure of their adolescent's adjustment.
Parents in their late forties and early fifties may actually be better prepared for the turmoil caused by the changes in their children. By 50, most parents have put to rest many of the issues surrounding the mid-life transition. The physiological changes in women are beginning to disappear or are becoming part of their identity. The psychological changes men undergo have just about run their course and the troubles associated with the onset of old age have not yet begun to take their toll. Parents may have the time and energy to be open to the needs of their adolescents during this period without having to deal with similar issues of identity and physical changes.
With more and more people waiting until their mid- to late thirties to have children, more and more people will be having teenagers when they are in their late fifties and even early sixties. While parents are dealing with the difficulties of chronic illness, the ends of their careers, and thoughts of retirement, they may not have the energy to guide their teens through the many changes they are experiencing. Teenagers will also have the added burden of dealing with the aging of their parents before they fully understand what it means to be an adult. The combination can make for a difficult transition; however, with open communication and an understanding of the developmental needs of both the teen and older adults, families can remain attached, and still encourage the development of independence.
- Childhood Traumas
Three types of childhood traumas are victimization, loss, and family pathology. Here is a brief introduction to each of these types.
I. Victimization
- This category includes assault, robbery, rape, incest (which can be put under family pathology), and serious accidents.
- Stages
1. Impact
- usually high intensity and short duration
- emotional shock symptoms such as numbness, feelings of vulnerability, and helplessness
- Bodily symptoms might include tight throat, shortness of breath, abdominal distress, physical weakness, sleep disturbances, and loss of appetite.
- might experience shame, guilt, and blame
2. Recoil
- periods when they attempt to just go on with their lives
- alternating with periods of obsessively going over the event with fantasies, planning, or phobic reactions
- blaming of oneself, friends, family, or police might also occur
3. Reorganization
- a return to psychological equilibrium
- occasional flashbacks or extreme agitation
II. Loss
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Losses include apparent losses, changes, and unnoticed loss (marriage, achievements, and successes can be loss of an earlier life style). Losses include death, involuntary separation, or injury. It also includes divorce, moving, changing schools, leaving home, weaning, and puberty.
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Kübler-Ross' stages of loss
- denial
- anger
- bargaining
- depression
- acceptance
- Frears and Schneider's stages of loss
- initial awareness (e.g., shock, loss of equilibrium, lowered resistance)
- strategies to overcome loss (e.g., adaptive defense cycles of holding on and letting go)
- awareness of loss (e.g., loneliness, helplessness, exhaustion)
- completions (e.g., healing, acceptance, resolution)
- empowering the self
- transcending the loss
- Special concerns with children
- may not have capacity to recognize, understand, and resolve loss
- may develop apathy and withdrawal behaviors because their basic needs are not being
met
III. Family pathology
- Four broad categories of family dysfunction
- inadequate families: lack physical or psychological resources for coping with normal
stressors
- anti-social families: their values might encourage dishonesty or deceit.
- discordant and disturbed families: have poor interpersonal contracts and disturbance
- disrupted families: inadequate adjustment to loss by death, divorce, or separation
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Patterns of parental influence in children showing emotional disturbance: rejection,
overprotection,
unrealistic demands, overpermissiveness, faulty discipline, inadequate and irrational
communication, and undesirable parental modeling
(Adapted from: Johnson, K. (1989). Trauma in the Lives of Children. Benton Harbor, MI: Hunter House.)
- Parent Behavior and Mealtimes
What can parents do to build good eating habits and good table manners with preschoolers? The suggestions provided here can build the foundation for years of pleasant and well-rounded eating:
- Parents can teach manners by example rather than by demanding good manners. Modeling appropriate conversation, use of utensils, and body language will help young children know the appropriate way to act at a dinner table.
- When children can manage the adjustment, have them share eating arrangements with the rest of the family. Use chairs (higher than is typical, or with a telephone book to give them height) at the table, and provide the child with utensils.
- Help children learn that mealtime is a special occasion. Do not use mealtimes to bargain, lecture, or reprimand. It is better to send a child from the table than to use the setting as a battle zone.
- Help youngsters to acquire new tastes by serving a variety of foods to sample. Parents can give their children a small taste of a strange food and let their offspring decide if they would like more, and how much.
- Prepare foods that minimize dinner mishaps. Children are less likely to spill if their cup is only filled halfway, sandwiches are easier to handle if cut in quarters, and thin soups are more convenient if served in a cup.
- Help preschoolers get used to foods that are convenient for the parents. For example, when preschoolers like cheese, parents can serve a nutritional and quick meal while traveling of crackers, cheese, and apple.
- Once children are old enough to understand, provide some "anytime-you're-hungry'' nutritional snacks. After all, a 40-pound child needs 1,800 calories (a 135-pound woman needs 2,200). Appropriate snacks that are easy for preschoolers to get for themselves include: small boxes of raisins, apples, bananas, plain crackers, small cups with green peas, small containers of applesauce, cheese, and vegetable sticks. Small children also like to pick out their snacks at the grocery store—picking their own shiny red apple can be as much fun as letting them pick out their own candy bar.
- It is okay for preschoolers to eat the same food day after day, as long as a variety of nutritious foods are added to this one.
- Young children need 30-40 percent of calories from fat, but it is still better to provide unsaturated than saturated fat. Serve margarine instead of butter; baked or broiled instead of fried meat and fish; 2 percent or 1 percent milk instead of whole milk; bagels or English muffins instead of croissants or doughnuts; air-popped popcorn or pretzels instead of potato chips; frozen low-fat yogurt or frozen fruit bars instead of premium ice cream; reduced-fat instead of full-fat cheeses.
(Sources: Leach, P. 1982. Your baby & child from birth to age five. New York: Alfred A. Knopf; Schuster, C. S. & Ashburn, S. S. 1986. The process of human development: A holistic life-span approach, 2nd ed., Boston: Little, Brown; American Dietetic Association, 1989. What makes Johnny Grow?)
- Birth Order and Scientific and Religious Revolutions
Frank J. Sulloway suggests that most of the major innovators in science over the last 400 years are not firstborns. Birth order is the most reliable indicator of whether a scientist is for or against radical innovations. By looking at the birth order of 2,784 scientists who took sides during the 28 major scientific revolutions since the sixteenth century, Sulloway found that 23 of the 28 revolutions were led by laterborns. Moreover, firstborns with younger siblings were the least likely to accept new theories; next came only children; then laterborn eldest sons (those with one or more older sisters and at least one younger brother); and then laterborn only sons. The most radical scientists of all were younger sons with at least one older brother. (The major exception: firstborn Albert Einstein.)
In religion, the Reformation could be interpreted as a conflict between firstborns who typically supported Rome and laterborn Protestants. (The major exception: Martin Luther was a firstborn.) (Source: Woodward, K. L. & Denworth, L. 1990 (May 21). The order of innovation. Newsweek, 76.)
- You- and I-Messages
How parents make requests of their children and how they tell them about their behaviors has a big influence on parent-child communication. When parents (and other persons) give "you-messages,'' children (and other recipients) may feel "put-down.'' Examine these "you-messages'': "You are naughty.'' "You are acting like a little brat.'' "You are giving me a headache.'' "You know better.'' "You are doing way too much shouting.'' "You better stop that.'' "You are interrupting me.'' "Why didn't you put your clothes away?'' "You-statements'' come off as critical, powerful, and accusatory statements.
On the other hand, "I-messages'' are acceptable ways to simply and honestly talk about unacceptable behavior. Parents who use "I-messages'' communicate their feelings, criticize behavior and not the whole person, and allow their children space and responsibility to change the situation. Here's how "I-messages'' work: "I would like you to quiet down because I have a headache.'' "I would like you to stop running in the house.'' "I would like to finish this statement before you speak.'' "I get upset when you climb on the furniture.'' "I would appreciate your cleaning your room this afternoon.'' Authoritative parents tend to use a lot of "I-messages''; these statements allow parents to model expression of honest feelings, give reasons for requests, and limit criticisms to specific behaviors rather than focusing on you. (Source: Gordon, T. E. 1975. P.E.T.—Parent effectiveness training. New York: Peter H. Wyden, Inc.)
- Communicating Caring and Love
Here are five approaches that parents try to use to communicate love but which do not work (Hart, 1987) :
- Overpermissiveness. Children do not learn to love by getting to do anything they want. Children with reasonable limits feel the most love.
- Martyrdom. Parents who are self-sacrificing for their children often end up themselves feeling depleted, and their children end up feeling guilty or incompetent. Children learn a lot by doing things for themselves.
- Overprotection. Children need to be protected from danger and harm, but overprotection smothers children not with love but with doubts about their own capabilities.
- Material possessions. Material possessions can never be a substitute for expressions of love. Children would rather do things with their parents than get things from them (although time from time children may not realize this).
- Quantity time without quality. Children need parents to be there with them and for them, more than always to be around but uninvolved.
What communicates love? Taking children seriously and valuing their ideas and activities. Taking the time to listen to what they are doing, feeling, and believing. Helping children do things but not doing everything for them. These strategies express love and build self-esteem (Hart, 1987). Working on healthy communication helps children to feel support within the family, and allows them to feel good in their play activities and in their relationships with their peers. (Source: Hart, L. 1987. The winning family: Increasing self-esteem in your children and yourself. New York: Dodd, Mead & Company.)
- The Potter, Gardner, Maestro, and Consultant Parenting Patterns
The "potter'' has these beliefs:
- Parents have full responsibility and authority for their children. They must provide carefully structured experiences and answer all their questions;
- Parents determine what a child becomes. It is important to teach correct principles;
- Children's mistakes are failures and the result of poor teaching;
- Parents explain their children's feelings to them;
- Parents believe constructive activities are important in producing offspring who are successful, productive society members;
- Parents have a strong sense of duty about family, work, religion, and society;
- Desirable behavior should be rewarded.
